After last weeks double header. And losing the majority of the squad.
The Onetouchables had to do some last minute deals to bring in a player to bulster the weakend team.
This week saw rival All Whites player Josh Goodey, who was meant to of singed for the The Onetouchables in the summer, play for the Onetouchables, as a favor for being looked after by the Onetouchables team after his injury in there game early on in the season.
The Onetouchables had a bare bones squad. but were looking to make it two in two wins.
Everything was goin well for the Onetouchables, who grabbed the lead early on.
But again the Onetouchables could not hold the lead, when the ball broke down the left hand side of the pitch and the ball was rocketed pass Cairns at his near post.
Cairns would of felt he could of done more to stop the shot, but due to the pace on the ball, many would of found it hard to of stopped it from goin in.
The Onetouchables could of gone 2-1 up when Conquest effort bounced off the cross bar, and down onto the line, which was then cleared.
The Teams went in dead evens at the brake. But it was looking like the lack of numbers in the squad would pay a heavy price on the team.
The Second half was a battle, and was not help with every chance in which the other team had to kick the ball away and waste time was taken.
The Onetouchables were finding it hard to get there passin goin. But a brake away came which saw Luke Sutton shoot at the keeper, who fumbled it, Sutton poked the ball from the keepers grasp to make it 2-1, but no, the ref had given a foul against the frot man.
the score was still 1-1. when the other team had a huge string of good luck thrown there way.
A ball down the right was not cleared and the other teams player, luckly produced some kind of school boy skill and netted for his team. 2-1 to the white team.
Sutton was trying everything. and was unlucky not to level it with a fantasticly struck freekick, which smashed the post.
Warnett was making some good foward dashes, Purdy was working well with some nice touches and passes. While Ross was gettin closer and closer to scoring.
Again The Onetouchables had fantastic chances but just could not make them stick.
Like always the game was controlled by the Onetouchables, till again some school boy touches and huge slice of luck was given to the white team who found a third.
the game was end to end till the final whistle.
The Onetouchables had lost 3-1.
It will take alot for the Onetouchables to get out of this Hurt Locker in which they seem to have found theselves in as of late.
M.O.T.M
G.Warnett
Goal Scorers
L.Sutton 1.
Wednesday 29 September 2010
Game Two.In One Night Part 2/2
The Onetouchables had to pick themselves up right away after the bitter lose to the Portuguese bandits.
Many of the Onetouchables players looked drained after giving everything in the last game, but it’s always in test like this that brings out the best in players.
The Onetouchables started very well. Luke Sutton was having much more of an easy game early on, and was showing some vintage and quite amazing touches and turns.
The Onetouchables were having a lot of the ball and were making chances; it was only a matter of time till they took the lead.
The Onetouchables were string passes together well, and defending well as well. So nice passes were being put together and it was not long till Luke Sutton grabbed the first of the game.
But just like a lot of the time when the Onetouchables take the lead, they were soon pegged back, when a lack of communication between George Warnett and Onetouchable debutant Jake Sutton passed the ball past Warnett and to the opposition player, who could not believe his luck, tucked one back for the other team.
The sides went in 1-1 at the brake.
The second half was scrappy and a rugged old match. With both teams pressing for the win.
Cairns had to be on top form, and produced, what only can be described as the save of the season, Cairns had got a great hand to the first shot but the ball had pick up some major back spin of the Irishman’s glove, which sent the ball backwards toward his own net, with this Cairns clawed the goal bound ball away from his net, which was greeted with much praise from the touchline.
The Onetouchables were looking to leave defeat from the first game behind, and with this, needed someone to step up to the plate and make a difference.
The call was answered by none other then Luke Sutton himself who grabbed the second of the game.
The Onetouchables defended well till the end and ran out deserved victors.
2-1 was the final score. A BitterSweet Night for the Onetouchables
M.O.T.M
L.Sutton
Goal Scorers
L.Sutton x2
Many of the Onetouchables players looked drained after giving everything in the last game, but it’s always in test like this that brings out the best in players.
The Onetouchables started very well. Luke Sutton was having much more of an easy game early on, and was showing some vintage and quite amazing touches and turns.
The Onetouchables were having a lot of the ball and were making chances; it was only a matter of time till they took the lead.
The Onetouchables were string passes together well, and defending well as well. So nice passes were being put together and it was not long till Luke Sutton grabbed the first of the game.
But just like a lot of the time when the Onetouchables take the lead, they were soon pegged back, when a lack of communication between George Warnett and Onetouchable debutant Jake Sutton passed the ball past Warnett and to the opposition player, who could not believe his luck, tucked one back for the other team.
The sides went in 1-1 at the brake.
The second half was scrappy and a rugged old match. With both teams pressing for the win.
Cairns had to be on top form, and produced, what only can be described as the save of the season, Cairns had got a great hand to the first shot but the ball had pick up some major back spin of the Irishman’s glove, which sent the ball backwards toward his own net, with this Cairns clawed the goal bound ball away from his net, which was greeted with much praise from the touchline.
The Onetouchables were looking to leave defeat from the first game behind, and with this, needed someone to step up to the plate and make a difference.
The call was answered by none other then Luke Sutton himself who grabbed the second of the game.
The Onetouchables defended well till the end and ran out deserved victors.
2-1 was the final score. A BitterSweet Night for the Onetouchables
M.O.T.M
L.Sutton
Goal Scorers
L.Sutton x2
Portugese Freaks Vs The Onetouchables. Part 1/2
As the title states, the last two weeks have not been kind to The Onetouchables at all.
On field problems and off field actions have left the Onetouchables running on empty as of late.
Last week saw the Onetouchables take on two teams in one night, and also have to deal with a depleted squad, due to international duty and injury the Onetouchables lost, Adam Williams, who was in the form of his life, Michael Williams, who was just starting to stamp his authority into the league, Joe Cass, who had never really recovered from his Cambridge bender, want away midfield general Sam Compton was back but for a "One Night Only" apperance & Joe Johnson, who would be out of action for at least 6 weeks due to a broken leg suffered in what only can be a freak tekkers related incident.
This would be The Onetouchables biggest test so far the season.
Portuguese Freaks Vs The Onetouchables.
The first game of the night started poorly for the Onetouchables.
The Onetouchables seemed to be in control of the game till; a quick set piece gave the foreigners the lead.
Both teams had chances, with the Onetouchables coming very close with a shot from Ross Conquest, who parents had come along to see the in form striker, have his effort cleared of the line from a desperate Portuguese looking footballing rooky.
The Onetouchables went in at the brake 1-0 down. But no one would have predicted the final outcome in a month of Sundays.
The Onetouchables start well again, but there main man in front of goal Luke Sutton, was been harassed by at least two Portuguese players very time the influential front man got the ball.
His made it hard for the Onetouchables to play there trademark stuff, and it was clear to see the Onetouchables players were getting ever more annoyed with these dirty foreign tactics.
With a quick brake down the left by George Warnett. The Powerhouse grabbed a much needed goal for the Onetouchables.
1-1. The Onetouchables were looking in control and throwing everything at the other team.
But the Portuguese had seemed to have worked out something in there own training sessions and tried something different for their second goal.
From the kick off, one of the players laid the ball off to the side to a fellow team mate, who simply rocketed the ball past two out field players and into the back of Cairns net, who could do nothing about the RPG of a shot, top bin.
The Onetouchables were down 2-1, and it was from here that thing went from bad to worse. It was clear to see that many of the players look tired, which lead to the Onetouchables letting in two goals late on.
The game ended bitterly with a 4-1 defeat, only the second lose of the season for the Onetouchables.
M.O.T.M
L.Sutton.
Goal Scorers:
Warnett 1.
On field problems and off field actions have left the Onetouchables running on empty as of late.
Last week saw the Onetouchables take on two teams in one night, and also have to deal with a depleted squad, due to international duty and injury the Onetouchables lost, Adam Williams, who was in the form of his life, Michael Williams, who was just starting to stamp his authority into the league, Joe Cass, who had never really recovered from his Cambridge bender, want away midfield general Sam Compton was back but for a "One Night Only" apperance & Joe Johnson, who would be out of action for at least 6 weeks due to a broken leg suffered in what only can be a freak tekkers related incident.
This would be The Onetouchables biggest test so far the season.
Portuguese Freaks Vs The Onetouchables.
The first game of the night started poorly for the Onetouchables.
The Onetouchables seemed to be in control of the game till; a quick set piece gave the foreigners the lead.
Both teams had chances, with the Onetouchables coming very close with a shot from Ross Conquest, who parents had come along to see the in form striker, have his effort cleared of the line from a desperate Portuguese looking footballing rooky.
The Onetouchables went in at the brake 1-0 down. But no one would have predicted the final outcome in a month of Sundays.
The Onetouchables start well again, but there main man in front of goal Luke Sutton, was been harassed by at least two Portuguese players very time the influential front man got the ball.
His made it hard for the Onetouchables to play there trademark stuff, and it was clear to see the Onetouchables players were getting ever more annoyed with these dirty foreign tactics.
With a quick brake down the left by George Warnett. The Powerhouse grabbed a much needed goal for the Onetouchables.
1-1. The Onetouchables were looking in control and throwing everything at the other team.
But the Portuguese had seemed to have worked out something in there own training sessions and tried something different for their second goal.
From the kick off, one of the players laid the ball off to the side to a fellow team mate, who simply rocketed the ball past two out field players and into the back of Cairns net, who could do nothing about the RPG of a shot, top bin.
The Onetouchables were down 2-1, and it was from here that thing went from bad to worse. It was clear to see that many of the players look tired, which lead to the Onetouchables letting in two goals late on.
The game ended bitterly with a 4-1 defeat, only the second lose of the season for the Onetouchables.
M.O.T.M
L.Sutton.
Goal Scorers:
Warnett 1.
Thursday 9 September 2010
Another Week, Another Conquest
Another Week, Another Conquest.
Onetouchables 8-1 Red Team
The Onetouchables third game into the season saw them looking to build on the previous week’s triumph and continue their winning streak. A hungry 8 man squad featured for the 1T’s and for the first time shared an equal amount of game time. Absentee Chuck Purdy gave ‘being shattered from work’ as his meagre excuse although other reports suggest he may have been busy being cynical and sarcastic. Gump.
Nevertheless the show must go on and on it went, with explosive results. Luke ‘The Tinker Man’ Suttonfield mixed things up with a controversial starting 5, selecting Ross ‘Barn Door’ Conquest to lead the line for the opening exchanges. The brothers Williams and Dr. Cass were left to simmer on the bench wondering what brand of bleach Sutton had been drinking. Turns out it was Domestos as we killed 99% of the Red Team dead. Other reports suggest Mig still wasn’t 100% recovered from ‘the hangover that shook Watford’.
The game inevitably sprung into frenzied action with both sides sizing each other up. An ambiguous technical foul was given away by opposition keeper whose day was about to go from bad to awful. The resulting free-kick on the edge of the box was expertly dispatched as a quick-thinking Sutton slid a perfect ball to Conquest who still had to conjure up a seasoned finish. The Pelican’s first goal in 12 years for club or country was greeted by mixture of relief and disbelief by his teammates who were awaiting the inevitable spoon into the basketball hoop. Conquest’s opener gave the team a lift and they continued to apply pressure and dominate proceedings without finding the net. However, as so often is the case with these games, a one goal cushion is often deflated by some prick. The Red Team mounted a ridiculously laboured counter-attack and defiantly finished the move off with a tidy top corner finish leaving The Monk to stand and admire as the ball swerved over his right shoulder.
This provoked a pleasingly impressive reaction from the Onetouchables. Conquest took a breather and A Williams stepped into the finely balanced fray, and his telepathic link-up play with the player-manager evidenced in the previous week’s game was immediately apparent. Deep into the Onetouchables half, Warnett slipped a delicate ball into A Williams’ feet who flicked a one-touch round the corner ball to Sutton. Despite the pressure of two men, Sutton elegantly returned the ball into the onrushing path of Williams who managed to gas the only man on the pitch slower than himself and pop the futsal into the top bin via a textbook toe-punt. (see Ronaldo – Brazil v Turkey 2002).
What followed was the systematic demolition of the once feisty Red Team. Neat football and well-timed one-twos allowed the Onetouchables to create chances at will and two further first-half goals soon followed compliments of Sutton and A Williams. Both assisted each other and finished with style and aplomb making it 4-1 at half time. Sutton had opened his account and was once again putting in a stylish performance, grabbing a goal which his previous performance had lacked yet thoroughly deserved. Joe Johnson once again impressed with the doggedness of Palacios and the deft technique of Huddlestone; effortlessly linking up defence and attack whilst providing valuable protection to Warnett and Cairns who were both putting in superb shifts.
The Onetouchables rang in the changes at the interval and the rout continued. A demonstration of power and precision saw Warnett glide down the left and selflessly square the ball to Conquest who gladly tucked away his second of the game. George’s contribution in both attack and defence was paying dividends and the introduction of Joe Cass also produced an unlikely attacking influence. His best chance came off the back of Sutton rounding the defence and the keeper only to find the upright, the domineering centre-half then retrieved the rebound and with the goal at his mercy, struck the ball beautifully into the side-netting. Apparently he can only score from 40 yards out. M Williams once again put in a resolute showing, showcasing a deft combination of robust defending and standing in the way.
A Williams completed his hat-trick after his own left-footed effort was parried straight back into his path, a powerful finish into the top bin essentially put the game out of reach and this was quickly followed by an instinctive poacher’s finish from the name on everyone’s lips; Conquest. His first competitive hat-trick rounded off a Man of the Match performance. A late fourth from A Williams poured salt in the wounds as a mixture of neat footwork, poor defending and sheer luck allowed him to beat the defence and the keeper and literally walk the ball into the net.
Overall another satisfying victory for the Onetouchables and one which enabled each member of the squad to display their unique talents. The roll-on sub system both keep everyone fresh and exhausted the opposition who, although incredibly inept, tried hard for about 2 minutes, you can only beat who they put in front of you. Congrats to M.O.M Ross Conquest although special mention must also go to TheBigMan00@hotmail.co.uk who once again was flawless between the posts and exhibited probably his best string of saves to date. Dece, really dece.
Goal Scorers: Conquest (3), A Williams (4), Sutton
M.O.M: 'Ricky' Ross Conquest
Onetouchables 8-1 Red Team
The Onetouchables third game into the season saw them looking to build on the previous week’s triumph and continue their winning streak. A hungry 8 man squad featured for the 1T’s and for the first time shared an equal amount of game time. Absentee Chuck Purdy gave ‘being shattered from work’ as his meagre excuse although other reports suggest he may have been busy being cynical and sarcastic. Gump.
Nevertheless the show must go on and on it went, with explosive results. Luke ‘The Tinker Man’ Suttonfield mixed things up with a controversial starting 5, selecting Ross ‘Barn Door’ Conquest to lead the line for the opening exchanges. The brothers Williams and Dr. Cass were left to simmer on the bench wondering what brand of bleach Sutton had been drinking. Turns out it was Domestos as we killed 99% of the Red Team dead. Other reports suggest Mig still wasn’t 100% recovered from ‘the hangover that shook Watford’.
The game inevitably sprung into frenzied action with both sides sizing each other up. An ambiguous technical foul was given away by opposition keeper whose day was about to go from bad to awful. The resulting free-kick on the edge of the box was expertly dispatched as a quick-thinking Sutton slid a perfect ball to Conquest who still had to conjure up a seasoned finish. The Pelican’s first goal in 12 years for club or country was greeted by mixture of relief and disbelief by his teammates who were awaiting the inevitable spoon into the basketball hoop. Conquest’s opener gave the team a lift and they continued to apply pressure and dominate proceedings without finding the net. However, as so often is the case with these games, a one goal cushion is often deflated by some prick. The Red Team mounted a ridiculously laboured counter-attack and defiantly finished the move off with a tidy top corner finish leaving The Monk to stand and admire as the ball swerved over his right shoulder.
This provoked a pleasingly impressive reaction from the Onetouchables. Conquest took a breather and A Williams stepped into the finely balanced fray, and his telepathic link-up play with the player-manager evidenced in the previous week’s game was immediately apparent. Deep into the Onetouchables half, Warnett slipped a delicate ball into A Williams’ feet who flicked a one-touch round the corner ball to Sutton. Despite the pressure of two men, Sutton elegantly returned the ball into the onrushing path of Williams who managed to gas the only man on the pitch slower than himself and pop the futsal into the top bin via a textbook toe-punt. (see Ronaldo – Brazil v Turkey 2002).
What followed was the systematic demolition of the once feisty Red Team. Neat football and well-timed one-twos allowed the Onetouchables to create chances at will and two further first-half goals soon followed compliments of Sutton and A Williams. Both assisted each other and finished with style and aplomb making it 4-1 at half time. Sutton had opened his account and was once again putting in a stylish performance, grabbing a goal which his previous performance had lacked yet thoroughly deserved. Joe Johnson once again impressed with the doggedness of Palacios and the deft technique of Huddlestone; effortlessly linking up defence and attack whilst providing valuable protection to Warnett and Cairns who were both putting in superb shifts.
The Onetouchables rang in the changes at the interval and the rout continued. A demonstration of power and precision saw Warnett glide down the left and selflessly square the ball to Conquest who gladly tucked away his second of the game. George’s contribution in both attack and defence was paying dividends and the introduction of Joe Cass also produced an unlikely attacking influence. His best chance came off the back of Sutton rounding the defence and the keeper only to find the upright, the domineering centre-half then retrieved the rebound and with the goal at his mercy, struck the ball beautifully into the side-netting. Apparently he can only score from 40 yards out. M Williams once again put in a resolute showing, showcasing a deft combination of robust defending and standing in the way.
A Williams completed his hat-trick after his own left-footed effort was parried straight back into his path, a powerful finish into the top bin essentially put the game out of reach and this was quickly followed by an instinctive poacher’s finish from the name on everyone’s lips; Conquest. His first competitive hat-trick rounded off a Man of the Match performance. A late fourth from A Williams poured salt in the wounds as a mixture of neat footwork, poor defending and sheer luck allowed him to beat the defence and the keeper and literally walk the ball into the net.
Overall another satisfying victory for the Onetouchables and one which enabled each member of the squad to display their unique talents. The roll-on sub system both keep everyone fresh and exhausted the opposition who, although incredibly inept, tried hard for about 2 minutes, you can only beat who they put in front of you. Congrats to M.O.M Ross Conquest although special mention must also go to TheBigMan00@hotmail.co.uk who once again was flawless between the posts and exhibited probably his best string of saves to date. Dece, really dece.
Goal Scorers: Conquest (3), A Williams (4), Sutton
M.O.M: 'Ricky' Ross Conquest
Monday 6 September 2010
The Story of Michael "TheMig Mig-Star" Williams
Michael "TheMig Mig-Star" Williams. Defender/Right Back/Left Back
The Story of Joe " P.U.R.E Tekkers" Johnson
Joe "P.U.R.E Tekkers" Johnson. Midfielder/Attacking Centre Midfielder.
The Story of Adam "The Admiral" Williams
Adam “The Admiral” Williams Striker
Adam Williams is the Onetouchables second striker, and is the twin brother of fellow Onetouchable Michael Williams.
A.Williams is one of the newest signings to the team, the striker has an intimidating footballing past, one of which many professionals in the game today are envious of.
Williams’s footballing career started in the sleepy town of Broxbourne, where both brothers were part of Broxbourne’s finest team, “Broxbourne Saints”. Both Williams brothers enjoyed many happy years there till A.Williams was approached by North Londoners “Brimsdown”.
It was here were Williams made a name for himself. Williams was seen to be a goal machine. Williams racked up over 100 goals in all competitions in his first year at the club.
Williams was indeed enjoying his football, and after a few years at the club the goal machine was soon snapped up by “Enfield FC” at a 5 a side tournament.
Here Williams excelled, scoring more goals then what he did at “Brimsdown” Williams was also playing along side old friend Kieran Cairns who had also been snapped up by the London Team at the same 5 a side.
After many years at the London club, the goal machine said goodbye and joined Wimbledon’s crazy gang.
It was while here in which Williams career took a turn for the worst. Williams fell in with the wrong crowed while at Wimbledon and started on a downward spiral.
Williams traded in his boots for money for booze, and his kit for cigars in which Williams called “stooges” & his club contract for a life time supply of "Snuff", he also stopped training with the team all together, to practice on his own something in which he called “the WindMillegen manoeuvre”.
At this point it seemed Williams love for the game was fading. He started not to turn up to training sessions, claiming that he was up all night “Chopping” women & watching the “Dark Knight” over and over again.
This was starting to become a common issue with the player, and in the winter of 2005 the once prolific goal scorer vanished from Wimbledon F.C. no one knew were the striker had gone, nor did his brother.
Two years past and it seemed that A.Williams name would just fade into the history books and into fables in which die hard fans would only speak off. Many believed that Williams was in fact Pat Sharpe from BBC's "Fun House".
Then in the Summer of 2007 the prolific striker reappeared.
Williams was seen in many Italian unlicensed strip joints eating nothing but what he called “cocktail “sausagooooows”. A Sky Sports news reporter was sent out there to see what the ex-Wimbledon striker was up to. Williams told Sky Sports:
“Well I had enough; I blew my beans at Wimbledon. So I left for Italy….where I’ve been playing football(PES6), chopping, wearing jacks, drinking Vod’s & playing COD badly”
After this news story was broken world wide that the serial larrikin A.Williams was back in football. Many wanted to sign him.
AC Milan were the first team to sign the goal machine, Williams replaced Andriy Shevchenko. In Williams press release with the Italian giants he was quoted in saying
“Andriy was Dece, but I’m REALLY DECE”
“I am the Champions League”
“ Inzaghi is TEZ…..really TEZ”
“I won’t be bested at the best of times”
"Im pure OIL"
"I back myself to bag top bin every time."
"I've chopped 6,000 women"
After this string of coments from Williams, who had brought his own beer to the press release, took a huge victory gulp of his Fosters and left the room.
Williams made 36 league starts for Milan. Then moved to Inter Milan in 2008 with many raising eye brows at where the journeyman’s loyalties lied.
In an interview for Talk Sport reporters asked him why he moved to the Italian rivals, Williams in an Eric Cantona-esk way replied with
“May the Gods keep the wolves in the Hills, and the Women in our Beds” and strolled out of the room pointing and shouting the word "GUMP" at everyone he passed in the halls .
After two seasons in Italy Williams was again on the move, this time on a two year loan deal to Real Madrid.
Williams had a very bright start to his spell in Spain, and it seemed that the Spanish giants had struck gold with Williams, with him in his best run of form since his glory days. But Williams move in Spain went sour, when locals said that Williams was too “Hollywood” & his fear spiders grew even more.
With Williams looking out of favour in Spain he retreated back to his villa and refused to see the light of day. Reports from the Williams camp was that he was boozing heavily, and eating nothing but McDonalds.
Williams seemed washed up for sure this time….Williams spent out a “Come and get me plea” to many of his old pals in the game via a Facebook status, but only one person liked the status of the larrikin.
Sources close to the player said it was old friend Luke Sutton who had followed the striker’s movements carefully and wanted him to sign for his new team.
With no hesitation Williams made the move back to England in 2010 to join Sutton and his merry men, and rekindle his famous form of yester years.
Sunday 5 September 2010
The Story of Luke "The Duke" Sutton.
Luke "The Duke" Sutton. Player Manager.
Luke Sutton is the "Onetouchables" manager and recently just signed as the Onetouchables main striker.
Sutton's footballing career is a long a prestige's one, stretching far across many main football leagues around the world.
But the road for Sutton has been a rocky one, with many heart aches and obstacles a long the way.
Sutton started his career at local hometown club in Thaxted, in which saw the front man become the teams top leading scorer of all time. the front man was making a name for himself as a "scorer of goals" which landed him a move to near by town Bishop Stortfords "Northolt".
Here Sutton soon found his way into the locals hearts, and struck up a great partnership with long time friend George Warnett.
After 5 seasons (Spring,Summer,Autumn,Winter,Spring) with "Northolt", Suttons childhood dream was fulfilled when West Ham signed the maverick Striker.
Sutton was reported to be over the moon, and it was clear for many to see, Sutton was reported to have said in his first press conference with the Hammers that " I am going to be the greatest striker of all time, Ian Rush, Henry, Van Nistelrooy....pshhh even Ronaldo are nothing compared to me"
Many more future press confrancies with Sutton would see the young striker make bold statements, ludacris claims, and calculated verbal attackes on fellow team mates, managers and players.
Unaware of his own comments Sutton had put huge pressure on himself. His first league game for his new club saw the front man have a torrid time. It was clear that the fame had gone to his head, and the wheels seemed to be coming off of this promising young star very quickly. Sutton missed 40 clear goal scoring chances that day.
Suttons torrid run in the first team carried on with the striker unable to score a single goal in his 177 league appearances for the club. It seemed Sutton had adapted a life style of "fast cars n loose women (The TV Show)" reports claimed Sutton would be out all night "Boozing" and "Macking" before games. In May of 2006 Sutton was injured in West Ham's final game of the season.
Sutton was rushed to hospital where the news was broken to the once talented striker that he had "Rickets of the Ankle". Fans were over joyed at the news with many saying to Sky Sports " The lad was a once a scorer of great goals, but not a great scorer of goals...he's washed up."
After narrowly missing relegation in 2006 West Ham later released the Maverick Striker due to the fact that there clubs health insurance did not cover "Ankle Rickets". Suttons dream was over.
Sutton was crippled with injuries, he tried every club in the Premier League to give him a second chance. With spells at WBA, Bolton, Wigan & Newcastle, he traveled to Spain, France,Germany, Italy, but Suttons Ankle Rickets kept the player out of action....it seemed the ship had sailed on this once promising young lads dream.
Doctors told Sutton that he would never play again, and that he should pick a trade instead. So, the once Maverick Striker went off to study Law at Kent Uni. After three years there he graduated. He soon left England to study under the watchful eye of Charismatic Manager Jose Mourinho. Sutton traveled all over the world learning the many different styles of the game & soon had his coaching badges and returned to England.
Sutton was re-born, and in 2010 he made his glorious come back.
With Law knowledge and expert coaching manuals he formed a 5 a side team called "The Onetouchables" hand selecting only the finest players in which he had meet from his playing days and his travels while becoming a coach.
Sutton immediately made himself Manager & Suttons first big money signing was himself.
Determined to prove all the Doctors wrong and play once again.
Famous press conference Quotes & Other quotes of L.Sutton.
"I'm the greatest man alive"
"I score goals only for me......"
"If the team just give me the ball I'd score all the time....."
"My car is made of solid GOLD... !"
"All these things in which im saying to you.....these are FACTS" ( "these are FACTS" was later made famous by Rafa Benitez)
"Im gunna score a million goals this season, you watch."
Reporter: "Mr.Sutton were you drunk out there today
L.Sutton " Naaa mate. I was off my tits"
(while standing in the middle of the training field opening a power rangers Lunch Box)
Alen Pardew " Sutton, what you doing"
L.Sutton " fuck off, I'm having lunch. Tosser"
Thursday 2 September 2010
Clash Of The Titans - A Cairnsington3000 Production.
News leaked Tuesday Night that The Onetouchables were to be playing League winners of last season "The All-Whites" which had many fans rubbing there hands to this massive top of the table clash so early on in the season.
The Onetouchables were still to confirm there 7 man squad and it seemed that this was to be a very difficult decision who to included in the massive early season clash and who to leave out
With many of the Onetouchable players’ impressing in the first two games it was going to be a mammoth task to stream line the team down.
Private meetings were held with both veteran forward Charlie Purdy and cultured goal poacher Ross Conquest. News sources claimed that the two were given the week off as international leave, and the same was for midfield wanderer O’Connor. Sources close to the players are sure the three will return to the squad after thier brakes.
With the squad numbers in order a new management team were put in place for the game. Cultured Swede Michal Hancock who had just led Helsingborg to there highest position in the leagues history stepped in for the now Player Manager Luke Sutton, with the help of assistant Tom Biggins who had just helped River Plate to the League title.
The Onetouchables were in control of the game when a quick brake between George Warnett and Adam Williams resulted in A.Williams picking the ball up from the left hand side of the pitch and thundering in the Onetouchables first goal of the game.
The All-Whites seemed to have been knocked back onto there heels with the early goal and it was clear to see that they were rattled indeed with many of there players going in hard in tackles, but this was not enough to stop the Onetouchables from playing there trademark stuff.
The Onetouchables were dealing well with what ever the All-Whites had to throw at them. The second goal came with a fantastic piece of skill from Joe Cass almost Iniesta like, as the All-Whites keeper threw the ball over the top to his striker J.Cass intercepted the ball and on the volley rocketed the ball back over the head of the keeper and into the net.
The crowed and players were jubilant with the effort and the goal, while the All-Whites were stunned in awe of Joe Cass's talent skill and finesse.
The All-Whites were not living up to there dominate name at all, and seemed lack lustre in there play. The Onetouchables were looking comfortable with many great efforts from Adam Williams & and striking partner Luke Sutton. It seemed that the Onetouchables were going to win this very comfortably.
The Onetouchables were playing well, and stringing passes together linked never seen before. After a quick attempt on the All-Whites Goal, the All-Whites quickly broke away down the Left hand side and scored.
This seemed to inject some life into the current league champions and they started to attack a lot more then what they had been.
The Onetouchables ever changing team held out well till half time, with some fantastic tekkers from J.Johnson, old school defending from Joe Cass, Powerful foward play from G.Warnett and telapathic link up play from A.Williams & L.Sutton. The Onetouchables went in at the brake leading 2-1.
A very inspirational Team talk from Michael Hancock & Tom Biggns sent the team out for the second half.
The Onetouchables started brightly again, with many efforts on the All-Whites Goal, the All-Whites seemed to have changed there game plan and had quite a few efforts on goal themselves, forcing some very tidy saves from the Onetouchables keeper Kieran Cairns (sporting a new stream line hair cut).
The Team was working well with Joe Johnson running things in midfield as always and Michael (Mig-Ster) Williams keeping the All-Whites quite down the right with many fantastic blocking efforts.
The All-Whites seemed like they had a point to prove, Josh Goodey of the All-Whites made a darting run down the right which was track by the charismatic Luke Sutton making his league debut, as Goodey went to go past Sutton, Sutton intercepted his run with a standing block of the ball, this resulted in Goodey Twisting his knee while going in for the tackle. It seemed Goodey had came out worse in the tackle, and had to receive medical treatment, and get stretcher(chaired) off by to hefty lads ( George Warnett & Kieran Cairns).
The game resumed, and Adam ("Admiral") Williams grabbed his Second of the game with a vintage finish from the forward man. It seemed the Admiral had worked off his jet lag and boozing holiday hangover and was back on top form.
The game looked well and truly won, but with some late efforts on goal forcing Cairns back into action with some textbook stops it was clear the All-White were not going to give up easily. With a late brake down the left, the All-Whites snuck a goal with a strike through Joe Cass's legs which the defender could do nothing about at all.
The game was close now at 3-2. The Onetochables keep at it, playing there stuff, while the All-Whites were trying to rough up the well oiled machine of the Onetochables.
With the dying embers of the game fading out some great play was put together from L.Sutton & A.Williams, with some delightful flicks from Sutton and magical touches from A.Williams a forth was on the cars for sure.
As Sutton took the perfectly weighted ball from M.Williams on the right, he jinx past his man, looked up to see A.Williams making a blistering run down the left, A.Williams shouted out to his team mate " OVER HERE!" with this L.Sutton gave a slide rule ball to A.Williams who finished coolly for his third of the game.
The Onetouchables defended well till the end, with George and Michael (Mig-Ster) running things at the back, and Cass and Joe Johnson filling in for the tired legs when they could to hold the impressive lead
The Final whistle blew and the Onetouchables ran out clear winners with a fantastic 4-2 victory over the raining league champions.
The Onetouchables 4 - 2 The All Whites
A.Williams (3)
J.Cass (1)
M.O.T.M = TBA
The Onetouchables were still to confirm there 7 man squad and it seemed that this was to be a very difficult decision who to included in the massive early season clash and who to leave out
With many of the Onetouchable players’ impressing in the first two games it was going to be a mammoth task to stream line the team down.
Private meetings were held with both veteran forward Charlie Purdy and cultured goal poacher Ross Conquest. News sources claimed that the two were given the week off as international leave, and the same was for midfield wanderer O’Connor. Sources close to the players are sure the three will return to the squad after thier brakes.
With the squad numbers in order a new management team were put in place for the game. Cultured Swede Michal Hancock who had just led Helsingborg to there highest position in the leagues history stepped in for the now Player Manager Luke Sutton, with the help of assistant Tom Biggins who had just helped River Plate to the League title.
The team was set and ready for a win over the current league winners the "All-Whites."
The game kicked off and the Onetouchables were in possession from the off. It seemed that the training session from last week was doing the trick, with many fluid passes finding there man and some fantastic movement from the team.The Onetouchables were in control of the game when a quick brake between George Warnett and Adam Williams resulted in A.Williams picking the ball up from the left hand side of the pitch and thundering in the Onetouchables first goal of the game.
The All-Whites seemed to have been knocked back onto there heels with the early goal and it was clear to see that they were rattled indeed with many of there players going in hard in tackles, but this was not enough to stop the Onetouchables from playing there trademark stuff.
The Onetouchables were dealing well with what ever the All-Whites had to throw at them. The second goal came with a fantastic piece of skill from Joe Cass almost Iniesta like, as the All-Whites keeper threw the ball over the top to his striker J.Cass intercepted the ball and on the volley rocketed the ball back over the head of the keeper and into the net.
The crowed and players were jubilant with the effort and the goal, while the All-Whites were stunned in awe of Joe Cass's talent skill and finesse.
The All-Whites were not living up to there dominate name at all, and seemed lack lustre in there play. The Onetouchables were looking comfortable with many great efforts from Adam Williams & and striking partner Luke Sutton. It seemed that the Onetouchables were going to win this very comfortably.
The Onetouchables were playing well, and stringing passes together linked never seen before. After a quick attempt on the All-Whites Goal, the All-Whites quickly broke away down the Left hand side and scored.
This seemed to inject some life into the current league champions and they started to attack a lot more then what they had been.
The Onetouchables ever changing team held out well till half time, with some fantastic tekkers from J.Johnson, old school defending from Joe Cass, Powerful foward play from G.Warnett and telapathic link up play from A.Williams & L.Sutton. The Onetouchables went in at the brake leading 2-1.
A very inspirational Team talk from Michael Hancock & Tom Biggns sent the team out for the second half.
The Onetouchables started brightly again, with many efforts on the All-Whites Goal, the All-Whites seemed to have changed there game plan and had quite a few efforts on goal themselves, forcing some very tidy saves from the Onetouchables keeper Kieran Cairns (sporting a new stream line hair cut).
The Team was working well with Joe Johnson running things in midfield as always and Michael (Mig-Ster) Williams keeping the All-Whites quite down the right with many fantastic blocking efforts.
The All-Whites seemed like they had a point to prove, Josh Goodey of the All-Whites made a darting run down the right which was track by the charismatic Luke Sutton making his league debut, as Goodey went to go past Sutton, Sutton intercepted his run with a standing block of the ball, this resulted in Goodey Twisting his knee while going in for the tackle. It seemed Goodey had came out worse in the tackle, and had to receive medical treatment, and get stretcher(chaired) off by to hefty lads ( George Warnett & Kieran Cairns).
The game resumed, and Adam ("Admiral") Williams grabbed his Second of the game with a vintage finish from the forward man. It seemed the Admiral had worked off his jet lag and boozing holiday hangover and was back on top form.
The game looked well and truly won, but with some late efforts on goal forcing Cairns back into action with some textbook stops it was clear the All-White were not going to give up easily. With a late brake down the left, the All-Whites snuck a goal with a strike through Joe Cass's legs which the defender could do nothing about at all.
The game was close now at 3-2. The Onetochables keep at it, playing there stuff, while the All-Whites were trying to rough up the well oiled machine of the Onetochables.
With the dying embers of the game fading out some great play was put together from L.Sutton & A.Williams, with some delightful flicks from Sutton and magical touches from A.Williams a forth was on the cars for sure.
As Sutton took the perfectly weighted ball from M.Williams on the right, he jinx past his man, looked up to see A.Williams making a blistering run down the left, A.Williams shouted out to his team mate " OVER HERE!" with this L.Sutton gave a slide rule ball to A.Williams who finished coolly for his third of the game.
The Onetouchables defended well till the end, with George and Michael (Mig-Ster) running things at the back, and Cass and Joe Johnson filling in for the tired legs when they could to hold the impressive lead
The Final whistle blew and the Onetouchables ran out clear winners with a fantastic 4-2 victory over the raining league champions.
The Onetouchables 4 - 2 The All Whites
A.Williams (3)
J.Cass (1)
M.O.T.M = TBA
Inner Workings of The Onetouchables - A Carinshouse Production.
It had been a long week since The Onetouchables narrow lose to the "Stortford Tornadoes" ( the Orange Team), and it was clear to see that many of the Onetouchables players were looking to bounce back with a massive win.
Reports from the Onetouchables Camp were clear for all to see in many of the tabloids, with reports stating Maverick Manager Luke Sutton had held a private training session later on that week after the defeat.
Also it was nearing the end of the Transfer Window and many of the Onetouchable fans were looking on with baited breath to see if there would be any late summer signings for the next coming season.
Tuesday soon rolled around and still no new signings were made by the Onetouchables... Many of the fans were starting to question Luke Suttons handling of this transfer period and echoes of “You don’t know what you're doing" could still be heard.
One reporter in an iterview even said to Mr.Sutton " why don't you get on your HamHog and sign someone." to this the Manager ended the interview shouting " F*%$£ off... go grind someone else's gears " to the reporter.
Even though it seemed that nothing was happening, behind the scenes the Onetouchables were trying everything to make things happen.
Sutton made a trip out to McDoom village in South America to try and attract Mr.W.Johnson"footballs best kept secret" to come back and play for the Onetouchables. Sutton had shipped the Guyana over the week before for the private training session, but a deal was not struck between the two.
Rumours started to spread over the internet that Manager Luke Sutton was desperate for more players and was linked with the some what confused footballer Ben Rollo, looking to make his name in football some how.
Other rumours linked the Onetouchables manager with italian but yet english born Carl Amodeo. Sutton was quick to squash these "Ludicrous Rumours" in his own words. he stated " I would never sign these players in a month of Sundays, not even a month of Sundays more like a millions years of em.....W*$%*^£"
The Onetouchables well of talent had seemed to have run dry and it seemed that the Team were to make no more summer signings. Also the restraints of the 7 man squad seemed to be taking a toll on the Manager too.
With only seconds left on the transfer clock The Onetouchables pushed the boat out drastically changed Manger Luke Suttons Contract from Manager, to Player Manager.
This sent shockwaves through the League with many questioning the legality of this. The injury struck striker signed on the dotted line just before the 6pm deadline and the deal was done.
Reports from the Onetouchables Camp were clear for all to see in many of the tabloids, with reports stating Maverick Manager Luke Sutton had held a private training session later on that week after the defeat.
Also it was nearing the end of the Transfer Window and many of the Onetouchable fans were looking on with baited breath to see if there would be any late summer signings for the next coming season.
Tuesday soon rolled around and still no new signings were made by the Onetouchables... Many of the fans were starting to question Luke Suttons handling of this transfer period and echoes of “You don’t know what you're doing" could still be heard.
One reporter in an iterview even said to Mr.Sutton " why don't you get on your HamHog and sign someone." to this the Manager ended the interview shouting " F*%$£ off... go grind someone else's gears " to the reporter.
Even though it seemed that nothing was happening, behind the scenes the Onetouchables were trying everything to make things happen.
Sutton made a trip out to McDoom village in South America to try and attract Mr.W.Johnson"footballs best kept secret" to come back and play for the Onetouchables. Sutton had shipped the Guyana over the week before for the private training session, but a deal was not struck between the two.
Rumours started to spread over the internet that Manager Luke Sutton was desperate for more players and was linked with the some what confused footballer Ben Rollo, looking to make his name in football some how.
Other rumours linked the Onetouchables manager with italian but yet english born Carl Amodeo. Sutton was quick to squash these "Ludicrous Rumours" in his own words. he stated " I would never sign these players in a month of Sundays, not even a month of Sundays more like a millions years of em.....W*$%*^£"
The Onetouchables well of talent had seemed to have run dry and it seemed that the Team were to make no more summer signings. Also the restraints of the 7 man squad seemed to be taking a toll on the Manager too.
With only seconds left on the transfer clock The Onetouchables pushed the boat out drastically changed Manger Luke Suttons Contract from Manager, to Player Manager.
This sent shockwaves through the League with many questioning the legality of this. The injury struck striker signed on the dotted line just before the 6pm deadline and the deal was done.
Now all there was left to do was annouance the 7 man squad for the up coming game.
Thursday 26 August 2010
The Onetouchables 2 Orange Team 3
New week, new kits, new players. What could possibly go wrong?
After the panicked emotions regarding shin-pads the previous week, it was refreshing to see The Onetouchables parading around in their new shirts prior to kick-off, seemingly without a care in the world. However, this new found confidence proved to be nothing more than a facade, as The Onetouchables crashed to defeat in their first competitive fixture.
Adam Williams was the name on everyone's lips- unfortunately it was for all the wrong reasons. The first five minutes saw Williams making an early bid for the blooper reel on the inevitable Onetouchables Christmas DVD cash-in, with a comedy of errors that certainly had the fans laughing. However, under-pressure boss Luke Sutton did not seem to share this amusement, wearing a face like thunder (for a more detailed explanation of what was going through Sutton's mind at the time, please read the previous entry for the full blogging experience). Williams was rumoured to be hiding away in an undisclosed North-West location tonight, in an effort to avoid the baying press.
Luckily A. Williams was not the only new signing (for legal reasons we must point out here that Williams did in fact net a trademark strike), as Mike Hancock put in an energetic shift up front, and The Return of the Mig became literal as the Wodson fanatic made his Onetouchables debut.
The first half can only be described in one word- catastrophic. The Orange Team appeared to be a far better organised outfit than the opponents of the previous week, and were linking well up front. With A. Williams' touch yet to be unpacked from his post-Spain suitcase, the defence of Cass and Warnett were under constant scrutiny. Hancock was trying his best to link up with Williams, but unfortunately the Orange Team were breaking well, and soon found themselves in the lead. The Onetouchables were failing to recapture the magic of their friendly the previous week, and soon found themselves two down. A rout was starting to look on the cards, and Sutton changed things up, bringing the Mig on to shore up a midfield that could best be described as 'absent', and Conquest to freshen up the strike force.
A. Williams proved that if you hammer enough shots at goal, you will eventually be rewarded, the assist from his brother validating the manager's substitutions. A good goal, and the Onetouchables were suddenly back in the game. Half-time came along, and the Onetouchables were 2-1 down.
The introduction of Purdy at the start of the second half caused excitement from the sidelines- the opposition fans couldn't believe their luck. However, some good passing football after the break was starting to unsettle the Orange Team's defence. No passing was necessary for the equaliser however, with Warnett smashing in easily the goal of the season so far, sparking elation from Sutton and the rest of the bench. And it could have been even sweeter a few minutes later, with some great link-up play between Warnett and A. Williams sending Purdy in on goal- unfortunately it was not to be, as the shot was scuffed harmlessly wide. Purdy atoned for his error with probably the best piece of skill in the game- a wonderful dummy from a Warnett corner which ensured that the ball went out of play, and gave the Onetouchables defence ample time to reorganise.
Conquest and Hancock were both given chances to impress in the second half, but unfortunately the Orange Team were starting to get back into the game, and went 3-2 up with a well-worked goal. It was harsh on goalkeeper Kieran Cairns, who had been making top saves for fun for the whole match, and was widely considered to be man of the match afterwards. Joe Cass had showed a suspiciously injured leg to the rest of the team prior to kick-off as he attempts to play as much football as he possibly can in one day, and you wonder whether this was partly responsible for some of the slack marking which led to the goals. Conquest meanwhile struggled to get into the game- his unfocused eyes screamed 'job interview', as his mind was clearly elsewhere.
Williams was desperately trying to recover from his poor first half, but unfortunately things went from bad to worse with a huge miss to level the match late on. As we commented earlier, Williams is allegedly in the North with his girlfriend- though it is unclear whether they are actually still together. That will depend on whether she has yet received the footage of him smashing the easiest chance of the match into the goalkeeper's face. Hancock also had a good chance to level the game, but it just wasn't happening for the Onetouchables, and in fact it took some world-class stops from Cairns to stop the Orange Team grabbing a couple more late goals. The full-time whistle went, leaving the side demoralised as they trudged to the pub to watch an even worse spectacle- Spurs sealing qualification to the Champions League. Josh Goodey was again on hand to provide post-match analysis- but his reaction to the defeat with the word '...seriously?' will send a real shiver down The Onetouchables' collective spine.
That Adam Williams debut in quotes:-
'Hopefully a one-off.'- loyal manager Luke Sutton.
'Hilarious...hilariously bad.'- Ross Conquest
'Huh?'- Joe Cass
'No...he's not actually my brother.' Michael Williams
'Without doubt single-handedly cost us the match.'- a blunt Kieran Cairns
'Dece, really dece.'- Adam Williams
'His legs were literally wide open.' Orange Team member
'Anyone for clay shooting?'- Mike Hancock
The Onetouchables 2-3 Orange Team
A. Williams (assist M. Williams)
Warnett
After the panicked emotions regarding shin-pads the previous week, it was refreshing to see The Onetouchables parading around in their new shirts prior to kick-off, seemingly without a care in the world. However, this new found confidence proved to be nothing more than a facade, as The Onetouchables crashed to defeat in their first competitive fixture.
Adam Williams was the name on everyone's lips- unfortunately it was for all the wrong reasons. The first five minutes saw Williams making an early bid for the blooper reel on the inevitable Onetouchables Christmas DVD cash-in, with a comedy of errors that certainly had the fans laughing. However, under-pressure boss Luke Sutton did not seem to share this amusement, wearing a face like thunder (for a more detailed explanation of what was going through Sutton's mind at the time, please read the previous entry for the full blogging experience). Williams was rumoured to be hiding away in an undisclosed North-West location tonight, in an effort to avoid the baying press.
Luckily A. Williams was not the only new signing (for legal reasons we must point out here that Williams did in fact net a trademark strike), as Mike Hancock put in an energetic shift up front, and The Return of the Mig became literal as the Wodson fanatic made his Onetouchables debut.
The first half can only be described in one word- catastrophic. The Orange Team appeared to be a far better organised outfit than the opponents of the previous week, and were linking well up front. With A. Williams' touch yet to be unpacked from his post-Spain suitcase, the defence of Cass and Warnett were under constant scrutiny. Hancock was trying his best to link up with Williams, but unfortunately the Orange Team were breaking well, and soon found themselves in the lead. The Onetouchables were failing to recapture the magic of their friendly the previous week, and soon found themselves two down. A rout was starting to look on the cards, and Sutton changed things up, bringing the Mig on to shore up a midfield that could best be described as 'absent', and Conquest to freshen up the strike force.
A. Williams proved that if you hammer enough shots at goal, you will eventually be rewarded, the assist from his brother validating the manager's substitutions. A good goal, and the Onetouchables were suddenly back in the game. Half-time came along, and the Onetouchables were 2-1 down.
The introduction of Purdy at the start of the second half caused excitement from the sidelines- the opposition fans couldn't believe their luck. However, some good passing football after the break was starting to unsettle the Orange Team's defence. No passing was necessary for the equaliser however, with Warnett smashing in easily the goal of the season so far, sparking elation from Sutton and the rest of the bench. And it could have been even sweeter a few minutes later, with some great link-up play between Warnett and A. Williams sending Purdy in on goal- unfortunately it was not to be, as the shot was scuffed harmlessly wide. Purdy atoned for his error with probably the best piece of skill in the game- a wonderful dummy from a Warnett corner which ensured that the ball went out of play, and gave the Onetouchables defence ample time to reorganise.
Conquest and Hancock were both given chances to impress in the second half, but unfortunately the Orange Team were starting to get back into the game, and went 3-2 up with a well-worked goal. It was harsh on goalkeeper Kieran Cairns, who had been making top saves for fun for the whole match, and was widely considered to be man of the match afterwards. Joe Cass had showed a suspiciously injured leg to the rest of the team prior to kick-off as he attempts to play as much football as he possibly can in one day, and you wonder whether this was partly responsible for some of the slack marking which led to the goals. Conquest meanwhile struggled to get into the game- his unfocused eyes screamed 'job interview', as his mind was clearly elsewhere.
Williams was desperately trying to recover from his poor first half, but unfortunately things went from bad to worse with a huge miss to level the match late on. As we commented earlier, Williams is allegedly in the North with his girlfriend- though it is unclear whether they are actually still together. That will depend on whether she has yet received the footage of him smashing the easiest chance of the match into the goalkeeper's face. Hancock also had a good chance to level the game, but it just wasn't happening for the Onetouchables, and in fact it took some world-class stops from Cairns to stop the Orange Team grabbing a couple more late goals. The full-time whistle went, leaving the side demoralised as they trudged to the pub to watch an even worse spectacle- Spurs sealing qualification to the Champions League. Josh Goodey was again on hand to provide post-match analysis- but his reaction to the defeat with the word '...seriously?' will send a real shiver down The Onetouchables' collective spine.
That Adam Williams debut in quotes:-
'Hopefully a one-off.'- loyal manager Luke Sutton.
'Hilarious...hilariously bad.'- Ross Conquest
'Huh?'- Joe Cass
'No...he's not actually my brother.' Michael Williams
'Without doubt single-handedly cost us the match.'- a blunt Kieran Cairns
'Dece, really dece.'- Adam Williams
'His legs were literally wide open.' Orange Team member
'Anyone for clay shooting?'- Mike Hancock
The Onetouchables 2-3 Orange Team
A. Williams (assist M. Williams)
Warnett
The Stresses of Management - by Luke Sutton
As the dust settles on the teams disappointing 3-2 defeat at the hands of ‘orange team’, we take a look at a typical day at team headquarters and look back at what may have contributed to the downfall of this once great club.
In this modern era, a time where hard work and raw talent has taken a back seat to fancy kits, exotic mercenaries and media spin, it has become only too clear that the Onetouchables would be hard pushed to match the lofty heights of the early days, the glory days. The acrimonious departure of fan favourite Sam Compton not a week ago was not helped when sky sports news ‘understood’ that Joe Johnson and Ryan O’Connor, both notorious yids, were on route to white hart lane. Just moments later, with the club hours away from popping its competitive cherry, the pair announced that they were unavailable for selection.
Despite the best attempts of the club to land a marquee signing in time for the big kick off, the squad was looking thin on the ground. Mexican international and guerrilla revolutionary Will Johnson - “futbol’s secreto mejor mantenido” - continued to scoff at the clubs attempts to make him the first foreign player in the clubs history. The offer made to Johnson – a packet of hamlet minis and straw hat - would have made him one of the highest earners at the club but no agreement was to materialise. The collapse of the proposed move has ironically stabilised the future of one existing player at the club, Midfielder Ross Conquest who openly opposes a move for any foreign player, period. The noise emanating from the Conquest camp is that he is due for an ‘interview’ today. Where exactly no one is sure but sources close to Conquest have indicated that the player has yet to advocate any particular stance on the role of jeans in football.
Just hours before the big kick off, the club announced ‘Karrimoor’ as this season’s principal sponsors. The kit, beautifully modelled by goalkeeper Kieran Cairns (MOM) and top scorer George Warnett is said to combine ‘optimum durability with cutting edge technology to provide the ultimate tool to succeed’. During the public unveiling one onlooker suggested that the shirt looked as though it had been designed to suit the needs of the world’s most accomplished mountaineers and backpackers as opposed to a bunch of amateur ballers. This heckler was ejected immediately. In an attempt to increase revenue for the transfer market, fans who pick up a shirt today can take advantage of a special offer of half price on all tents in store.
With the ambitions of the club in the transfer market still in question, an opportunity arose to open talks with local lad Mike Hancock. Hancock, a player controversially linked with the club in the media earlier this week, arrived with super agent Tom Biggins. Pen was put to paper on a pay per play contract. Biggins bought a 51% majority stake in the club. The club are currently under investigation from the FA.
Moments later the club received a desperate and frankly pathetic ‘come and get me’ plea from journeyman player and serial larrikin Adam Williams. After a bright start, his loan move to Spain turned sour prompting accusations of ‘going Hollywood.’ Too afraid to leave his villa, Williams had not seen sunlight in days and it was clear he’d been boozing, daily. Fans were sceptical at first – what impact would the self-proclaimed ‘chopper of the year 09’ have on team spirit? Discussions moved quickly and it soon became clear that fellow exile MIG Williams would form part of any deal. As club officials mulled over the proposal, an anonymous tipster warned against bringing in the much maligned pair. “His heart isn’t in it anymore. You ought to see him, the WAG has him jumping through hoops! He’ll bring unwanted baggage” The manager recoiled. “The other is an extortionist”, the voice continued. “He’ll take you for everything you’ve got. DO NOT PAY HIM IN EUROS!” Cautiously the club went ahead with negotiations and despite a last minute hiccup with the necessary paperwork (A. Williams reportedly refused to provide legitimate details while the authenticity of ‘randyramirez99’ was brought into question), a deal was done.
Buoyed by the transfer an official announcement was made to the press. “There is no team in this league that can live with us” read the breathtakingly arrogant club statement. Lifelong fan Matthew O’Neil took to the street in celebration, vowing to renew his season ticket as a result of the deadline day coup. Team pinup Charlie Purdy was however clearly unmoved by the acquisitions. “Who’s that number 8?” asked Adam. “He’s just schmeg’d it, then top bin’d it.” With a sheer look of bemusement, Purdy called in the translator.
Damaging team morale further, footage has been leaked which appears to show the manager – in glorious high definition – unleashing a scaving rant on the team. In the short piece, free scoring George Warnett is labelled ‘a waste of time.’ Sutton later goes on to predict that Conquest will inevitably score an own goal in the upcoming fixture. With such controversy and in-fighting, it is little wonder that new signing MIG has told the media that the manager has lost the dressing room. The defender has even been heard singing a rousing solo rendition of ‘you don’t know what your doing’ by old yids at their local drinking hole.
As the players trudged off the pitch, everyone associated with the club was asking the same questions; Have defensive pairing Cass and Warnett ever met? Why didn’t Adam dink it? Sutton out? Who is Lampard and who is Gerrard? The vicious merry go round of finger pointing and name calling was only broken when, in the distance, a Stan Collymore type character said something we should all live our lives by; “That’s good futsal” said the wiseman. Thats good futsal, indeed.
In this modern era, a time where hard work and raw talent has taken a back seat to fancy kits, exotic mercenaries and media spin, it has become only too clear that the Onetouchables would be hard pushed to match the lofty heights of the early days, the glory days. The acrimonious departure of fan favourite Sam Compton not a week ago was not helped when sky sports news ‘understood’ that Joe Johnson and Ryan O’Connor, both notorious yids, were on route to white hart lane. Just moments later, with the club hours away from popping its competitive cherry, the pair announced that they were unavailable for selection.
Despite the best attempts of the club to land a marquee signing in time for the big kick off, the squad was looking thin on the ground. Mexican international and guerrilla revolutionary Will Johnson - “futbol’s secreto mejor mantenido” - continued to scoff at the clubs attempts to make him the first foreign player in the clubs history. The offer made to Johnson – a packet of hamlet minis and straw hat - would have made him one of the highest earners at the club but no agreement was to materialise. The collapse of the proposed move has ironically stabilised the future of one existing player at the club, Midfielder Ross Conquest who openly opposes a move for any foreign player, period. The noise emanating from the Conquest camp is that he is due for an ‘interview’ today. Where exactly no one is sure but sources close to Conquest have indicated that the player has yet to advocate any particular stance on the role of jeans in football.
Just hours before the big kick off, the club announced ‘Karrimoor’ as this season’s principal sponsors. The kit, beautifully modelled by goalkeeper Kieran Cairns (MOM) and top scorer George Warnett is said to combine ‘optimum durability with cutting edge technology to provide the ultimate tool to succeed’. During the public unveiling one onlooker suggested that the shirt looked as though it had been designed to suit the needs of the world’s most accomplished mountaineers and backpackers as opposed to a bunch of amateur ballers. This heckler was ejected immediately. In an attempt to increase revenue for the transfer market, fans who pick up a shirt today can take advantage of a special offer of half price on all tents in store.
With the ambitions of the club in the transfer market still in question, an opportunity arose to open talks with local lad Mike Hancock. Hancock, a player controversially linked with the club in the media earlier this week, arrived with super agent Tom Biggins. Pen was put to paper on a pay per play contract. Biggins bought a 51% majority stake in the club. The club are currently under investigation from the FA.
Moments later the club received a desperate and frankly pathetic ‘come and get me’ plea from journeyman player and serial larrikin Adam Williams. After a bright start, his loan move to Spain turned sour prompting accusations of ‘going Hollywood.’ Too afraid to leave his villa, Williams had not seen sunlight in days and it was clear he’d been boozing, daily. Fans were sceptical at first – what impact would the self-proclaimed ‘chopper of the year 09’ have on team spirit? Discussions moved quickly and it soon became clear that fellow exile MIG Williams would form part of any deal. As club officials mulled over the proposal, an anonymous tipster warned against bringing in the much maligned pair. “His heart isn’t in it anymore. You ought to see him, the WAG has him jumping through hoops! He’ll bring unwanted baggage” The manager recoiled. “The other is an extortionist”, the voice continued. “He’ll take you for everything you’ve got. DO NOT PAY HIM IN EUROS!” Cautiously the club went ahead with negotiations and despite a last minute hiccup with the necessary paperwork (A. Williams reportedly refused to provide legitimate details while the authenticity of ‘randyramirez99’ was brought into question), a deal was done.
Buoyed by the transfer an official announcement was made to the press. “There is no team in this league that can live with us” read the breathtakingly arrogant club statement. Lifelong fan Matthew O’Neil took to the street in celebration, vowing to renew his season ticket as a result of the deadline day coup. Team pinup Charlie Purdy was however clearly unmoved by the acquisitions. “Who’s that number 8?” asked Adam. “He’s just schmeg’d it, then top bin’d it.” With a sheer look of bemusement, Purdy called in the translator.
Damaging team morale further, footage has been leaked which appears to show the manager – in glorious high definition – unleashing a scaving rant on the team. In the short piece, free scoring George Warnett is labelled ‘a waste of time.’ Sutton later goes on to predict that Conquest will inevitably score an own goal in the upcoming fixture. With such controversy and in-fighting, it is little wonder that new signing MIG has told the media that the manager has lost the dressing room. The defender has even been heard singing a rousing solo rendition of ‘you don’t know what your doing’ by old yids at their local drinking hole.
As the players trudged off the pitch, everyone associated with the club was asking the same questions; Have defensive pairing Cass and Warnett ever met? Why didn’t Adam dink it? Sutton out? Who is Lampard and who is Gerrard? The vicious merry go round of finger pointing and name calling was only broken when, in the distance, a Stan Collymore type character said something we should all live our lives by; “That’s good futsal” said the wiseman. Thats good futsal, indeed.
Thursday 19 August 2010
Signiture "Moves" - a post by George Edward Warnett
Hello Gentleman, (just getting my yearly post in). I was bored for a few hours so after a good performance last Wednesday I’ve gone to the liberty of patenting some signature moves:
The Walnut Whirl: Do a nonsensical 360 spin when under pressure from the defence. Keep spinning until you score or throw up from motion sickness.
- Made famous by George Warnett
The “Get on the end of that”: When under no pressure you play an ambitious ball from one end of the pitch to the other, but instead of finding a team mate, kick the ball like you’re wearing a shoe made of 50ps resulting in the ball flying of for their goal kick.
- Made famous by Joe Cass
The “Doctor says… it’s Ricketts”: As soon as the whistle blows to start the match, go over on your ankle tearing a ligament here and there (Helps if Sam Compton’s close by).
- Made famous by Luke Sutton
The “Blow your Beans”: Make an inspired run to get behind the defence then when you’re one on one with the keeper try your hardest not to score and instead blow your beans all over the floor.
- Made famous by Ryan O’Connor
The “Phantom Sling”: For the entire duration of the game put one arm on your chest as if you’ve recent broken your arm doing some volunteer work or something… It doesn’t exactly help your balance but the ladies love it.
- Made famous by Charlie Prudy
The “I'm getting too old for this”: After a long and illustrious career of one game hang up your boots and call it a day on all this football business and go away to a nice retirement home in Leicester .
- Made famous by Sam Compton
The “To be or not to be?”: Get into space to shoot and instead of putting it top bin, shuffle around with the ball at your feet until the opportunity to score has gone.
- Made famous by Ross Conquest
The Angry Beaver: If things aren’t looking good during the match shout at every single person until till it does. Utilize the power of thunderous speech and make things go your way.
- Made famous by Kieran Cairns
The “F*ck the rule book”: Continue to shut players down when they’re picking the ball out their net, wonder round aimlessly in their half when they’re trying to take kick off, take a kick-in when it’s a corner, hell pick up the ball and throw it in the goal if you want to, you are above the law.
- Made Famous by Joey Johnson
The “Nah can’t play the next couple weeks; I’m in Spain
- Made famous by Adam and Miggly Williams.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Onetouchables 3 Red Team 1
An impressive start for The Onetouchables has sent shockwaves through the entire league, after a breathtaking display of football left the Red Team wondering what on earth had just happened to them.
This may have only been a friendly, but there were certainly a few nerves around pre-match, mainly regarding the issue of whether or not shin pads would be required. However, The Onetouchables settled into their stride much more quickly than anyone could have imagined. The warning signs were obvious from a very early stage, as Warnett and Johnson combined well to cause some real havoc in the opposition half. Their efforts paid off as the ever reliable Joe Johnson soon netted the first ever Onetouchables' goal, sparking celebrations on the touchline. A new era had begun, and everyone's favourite consistent midfielder had grabbed the goal.
Warnett was proving to be a real handful for the Red Team, and soon netted a trademark strike, smashing a shot in from outside the area. The dream start had reached Inception-esque levels, and at 2-0, The Onetouchables were looking comfortable to say the least. The Red Team were failing to mount any real attacks, and looked slightly rattled, though Cairns did well to turn one effort around the post just before half-time.
Some half-decent management was leading to a good spine of the team being formed whilst the squad was being rotated, as Compton, Johnson and Cass all put in very solid shifts at the back. Cairns meanwhile was organising his team superbly from goal, with some furious shouting leaving several players close to tears at many points. Cairns himself was dealing with most attacks with ease, and he'll feel that there will be tougher challenges to come.
The Reds grabbed a goal back with a well-worked move, leaving many to wonder whether the game was about to be turned on its head. However, in reality, the Onetouchables looked more up for it in their debut game, and quickly resumed their onslaught of the Reds' goal.
And indeed it was soon 3-1 as Conquest's scuffed shot fell kindly to Purdy, who slotted the ball in with his usual cool and relaxed demeanour. Purdy turned with a satisfied smile to the fans, knowing that he had just silenced hundreds- if not thousands- of critics who still doubt this young man's ability. He then promptly fell way off the pace and offered a minimal contribution, but the joy was plain for all to see.
A lack of sharpness seemed to be affecting several members of the squad, as O'Connor and Conquest both missed one-on-ones, but O'Connor almost made up for it; combining with Compton for easily the best move of the game, as their glorious one-two resulted in the right post being rattled. Compton was also involved in one of the more controversial moments of the game, as Purdy opted to shoot, rather then square it to his far better placed team-mate. Compton's quiet fury was plain for all to see. Conquest's one-on-one caused bemusement in the stands, as he seemed to have created the space for the shot, only to switch it to his other foot and be immediately surrounded by four defenders. Still, the potential seems to be there.
The rest of the game played out without much more incident, Cass and Johnson especially looked calm and collected on the ball, and Warnett and Compton were both still causing problems. In fact, the real talking point on the sidelines was questioning where O'Connor had got to, as he seemed to teleport away for the majority of the second half. The final whistle arrived soon enough, signalling a great result for this new side.
Sam Compton quickly retired from five a side football after the match, claiming to have opportunities abroad, but he leaves with one of the most impressive records in the game. Whether he can be persuaded out of this hiatus come Christmas remains to be seen.
Acting manager Luke Sutton was full of praise for his side after the games, claiming that they were one or two players away from being a truly great side. 'Yeah once Purdy and Conquest leave we should be fine,' he commented. Sutton was quiet on his own return, noting that his notorious ANKLE injury should only keep him out for 'a few weeks, or potentially years.' Joe Cass meanwhile is 50-50 for next week as the interest on the loan he has taken out has made the chances of him being able to pay the match fee next week 'unlikely at best'.
Overall a great start for this fledgling outfit, and hopefully the start of something truly beautiful. The mood was perhaps best summed up by the face of the spying Josh Goodey, whose face was as white as a sheet. Despite the outward smiles, it was obvious to all that Goodey had just realised that he'd seen a side that is only going to get better and better.
Onetouchables 3-1 Red Team
Johnson
Warnett
Purdy
This may have only been a friendly, but there were certainly a few nerves around pre-match, mainly regarding the issue of whether or not shin pads would be required. However, The Onetouchables settled into their stride much more quickly than anyone could have imagined. The warning signs were obvious from a very early stage, as Warnett and Johnson combined well to cause some real havoc in the opposition half. Their efforts paid off as the ever reliable Joe Johnson soon netted the first ever Onetouchables' goal, sparking celebrations on the touchline. A new era had begun, and everyone's favourite consistent midfielder had grabbed the goal.
Warnett was proving to be a real handful for the Red Team, and soon netted a trademark strike, smashing a shot in from outside the area. The dream start had reached Inception-esque levels, and at 2-0, The Onetouchables were looking comfortable to say the least. The Red Team were failing to mount any real attacks, and looked slightly rattled, though Cairns did well to turn one effort around the post just before half-time.
Some half-decent management was leading to a good spine of the team being formed whilst the squad was being rotated, as Compton, Johnson and Cass all put in very solid shifts at the back. Cairns meanwhile was organising his team superbly from goal, with some furious shouting leaving several players close to tears at many points. Cairns himself was dealing with most attacks with ease, and he'll feel that there will be tougher challenges to come.
The Reds grabbed a goal back with a well-worked move, leaving many to wonder whether the game was about to be turned on its head. However, in reality, the Onetouchables looked more up for it in their debut game, and quickly resumed their onslaught of the Reds' goal.
And indeed it was soon 3-1 as Conquest's scuffed shot fell kindly to Purdy, who slotted the ball in with his usual cool and relaxed demeanour. Purdy turned with a satisfied smile to the fans, knowing that he had just silenced hundreds- if not thousands- of critics who still doubt this young man's ability. He then promptly fell way off the pace and offered a minimal contribution, but the joy was plain for all to see.
A lack of sharpness seemed to be affecting several members of the squad, as O'Connor and Conquest both missed one-on-ones, but O'Connor almost made up for it; combining with Compton for easily the best move of the game, as their glorious one-two resulted in the right post being rattled. Compton was also involved in one of the more controversial moments of the game, as Purdy opted to shoot, rather then square it to his far better placed team-mate. Compton's quiet fury was plain for all to see. Conquest's one-on-one caused bemusement in the stands, as he seemed to have created the space for the shot, only to switch it to his other foot and be immediately surrounded by four defenders. Still, the potential seems to be there.
The rest of the game played out without much more incident, Cass and Johnson especially looked calm and collected on the ball, and Warnett and Compton were both still causing problems. In fact, the real talking point on the sidelines was questioning where O'Connor had got to, as he seemed to teleport away for the majority of the second half. The final whistle arrived soon enough, signalling a great result for this new side.
Sam Compton quickly retired from five a side football after the match, claiming to have opportunities abroad, but he leaves with one of the most impressive records in the game. Whether he can be persuaded out of this hiatus come Christmas remains to be seen.
Acting manager Luke Sutton was full of praise for his side after the games, claiming that they were one or two players away from being a truly great side. 'Yeah once Purdy and Conquest leave we should be fine,' he commented. Sutton was quiet on his own return, noting that his notorious ANKLE injury should only keep him out for 'a few weeks, or potentially years.' Joe Cass meanwhile is 50-50 for next week as the interest on the loan he has taken out has made the chances of him being able to pay the match fee next week 'unlikely at best'.
Overall a great start for this fledgling outfit, and hopefully the start of something truly beautiful. The mood was perhaps best summed up by the face of the spying Josh Goodey, whose face was as white as a sheet. Despite the outward smiles, it was obvious to all that Goodey had just realised that he'd seen a side that is only going to get better and better.
Onetouchables 3-1 Red Team
Johnson
Warnett
Purdy
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