As the dust settles on the teams disappointing 3-2 defeat at the hands of ‘orange team’, we take a look at a typical day at team headquarters and look back at what may have contributed to the downfall of this once great club.
In this modern era, a time where hard work and raw talent has taken a back seat to fancy kits, exotic mercenaries and media spin, it has become only too clear that the Onetouchables would be hard pushed to match the lofty heights of the early days, the glory days. The acrimonious departure of fan favourite Sam Compton not a week ago was not helped when sky sports news ‘understood’ that Joe Johnson and Ryan O’Connor, both notorious yids, were on route to white hart lane. Just moments later, with the club hours away from popping its competitive cherry, the pair announced that they were unavailable for selection.
Despite the best attempts of the club to land a marquee signing in time for the big kick off, the squad was looking thin on the ground. Mexican international and guerrilla revolutionary Will Johnson - “futbol’s secreto mejor mantenido” - continued to scoff at the clubs attempts to make him the first foreign player in the clubs history. The offer made to Johnson – a packet of hamlet minis and straw hat - would have made him one of the highest earners at the club but no agreement was to materialise. The collapse of the proposed move has ironically stabilised the future of one existing player at the club, Midfielder Ross Conquest who openly opposes a move for any foreign player, period. The noise emanating from the Conquest camp is that he is due for an ‘interview’ today. Where exactly no one is sure but sources close to Conquest have indicated that the player has yet to advocate any particular stance on the role of jeans in football.
Just hours before the big kick off, the club announced ‘Karrimoor’ as this season’s principal sponsors. The kit, beautifully modelled by goalkeeper Kieran Cairns (MOM) and top scorer George Warnett is said to combine ‘optimum durability with cutting edge technology to provide the ultimate tool to succeed’. During the public unveiling one onlooker suggested that the shirt looked as though it had been designed to suit the needs of the world’s most accomplished mountaineers and backpackers as opposed to a bunch of amateur ballers. This heckler was ejected immediately. In an attempt to increase revenue for the transfer market, fans who pick up a shirt today can take advantage of a special offer of half price on all tents in store.
With the ambitions of the club in the transfer market still in question, an opportunity arose to open talks with local lad Mike Hancock. Hancock, a player controversially linked with the club in the media earlier this week, arrived with super agent Tom Biggins. Pen was put to paper on a pay per play contract. Biggins bought a 51% majority stake in the club. The club are currently under investigation from the FA.
Moments later the club received a desperate and frankly pathetic ‘come and get me’ plea from journeyman player and serial larrikin Adam Williams. After a bright start, his loan move to Spain turned sour prompting accusations of ‘going Hollywood.’ Too afraid to leave his villa, Williams had not seen sunlight in days and it was clear he’d been boozing, daily. Fans were sceptical at first – what impact would the self-proclaimed ‘chopper of the year 09’ have on team spirit? Discussions moved quickly and it soon became clear that fellow exile MIG Williams would form part of any deal. As club officials mulled over the proposal, an anonymous tipster warned against bringing in the much maligned pair. “His heart isn’t in it anymore. You ought to see him, the WAG has him jumping through hoops! He’ll bring unwanted baggage” The manager recoiled. “The other is an extortionist”, the voice continued. “He’ll take you for everything you’ve got. DO NOT PAY HIM IN EUROS!” Cautiously the club went ahead with negotiations and despite a last minute hiccup with the necessary paperwork (A. Williams reportedly refused to provide legitimate details while the authenticity of ‘randyramirez99’ was brought into question), a deal was done.
Buoyed by the transfer an official announcement was made to the press. “There is no team in this league that can live with us” read the breathtakingly arrogant club statement. Lifelong fan Matthew O’Neil took to the street in celebration, vowing to renew his season ticket as a result of the deadline day coup. Team pinup Charlie Purdy was however clearly unmoved by the acquisitions. “Who’s that number 8?” asked Adam. “He’s just schmeg’d it, then top bin’d it.” With a sheer look of bemusement, Purdy called in the translator.
Damaging team morale further, footage has been leaked which appears to show the manager – in glorious high definition – unleashing a scaving rant on the team. In the short piece, free scoring George Warnett is labelled ‘a waste of time.’ Sutton later goes on to predict that Conquest will inevitably score an own goal in the upcoming fixture. With such controversy and in-fighting, it is little wonder that new signing MIG has told the media that the manager has lost the dressing room. The defender has even been heard singing a rousing solo rendition of ‘you don’t know what your doing’ by old yids at their local drinking hole.
As the players trudged off the pitch, everyone associated with the club was asking the same questions; Have defensive pairing Cass and Warnett ever met? Why didn’t Adam dink it? Sutton out? Who is Lampard and who is Gerrard? The vicious merry go round of finger pointing and name calling was only broken when, in the distance, a Stan Collymore type character said something we should all live our lives by; “That’s good futsal” said the wiseman. Thats good futsal, indeed.
amazingly. delightful to read.
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