New week, new kits, new players. What could possibly go wrong?
After the panicked emotions regarding shin-pads the previous week, it was refreshing to see The Onetouchables parading around in their new shirts prior to kick-off, seemingly without a care in the world. However, this new found confidence proved to be nothing more than a facade, as The Onetouchables crashed to defeat in their first competitive fixture.
Adam Williams was the name on everyone's lips- unfortunately it was for all the wrong reasons. The first five minutes saw Williams making an early bid for the blooper reel on the inevitable Onetouchables Christmas DVD cash-in, with a comedy of errors that certainly had the fans laughing. However, under-pressure boss Luke Sutton did not seem to share this amusement, wearing a face like thunder (for a more detailed explanation of what was going through Sutton's mind at the time, please read the previous entry for the full blogging experience). Williams was rumoured to be hiding away in an undisclosed North-West location tonight, in an effort to avoid the baying press.
Luckily A. Williams was not the only new signing (for legal reasons we must point out here that Williams did in fact net a trademark strike), as Mike Hancock put in an energetic shift up front, and The Return of the Mig became literal as the Wodson fanatic made his Onetouchables debut.
The first half can only be described in one word- catastrophic. The Orange Team appeared to be a far better organised outfit than the opponents of the previous week, and were linking well up front. With A. Williams' touch yet to be unpacked from his post-Spain suitcase, the defence of Cass and Warnett were under constant scrutiny. Hancock was trying his best to link up with Williams, but unfortunately the Orange Team were breaking well, and soon found themselves in the lead. The Onetouchables were failing to recapture the magic of their friendly the previous week, and soon found themselves two down. A rout was starting to look on the cards, and Sutton changed things up, bringing the Mig on to shore up a midfield that could best be described as 'absent', and Conquest to freshen up the strike force.
A. Williams proved that if you hammer enough shots at goal, you will eventually be rewarded, the assist from his brother validating the manager's substitutions. A good goal, and the Onetouchables were suddenly back in the game. Half-time came along, and the Onetouchables were 2-1 down.
The introduction of Purdy at the start of the second half caused excitement from the sidelines- the opposition fans couldn't believe their luck. However, some good passing football after the break was starting to unsettle the Orange Team's defence. No passing was necessary for the equaliser however, with Warnett smashing in easily the goal of the season so far, sparking elation from Sutton and the rest of the bench. And it could have been even sweeter a few minutes later, with some great link-up play between Warnett and A. Williams sending Purdy in on goal- unfortunately it was not to be, as the shot was scuffed harmlessly wide. Purdy atoned for his error with probably the best piece of skill in the game- a wonderful dummy from a Warnett corner which ensured that the ball went out of play, and gave the Onetouchables defence ample time to reorganise.
Conquest and Hancock were both given chances to impress in the second half, but unfortunately the Orange Team were starting to get back into the game, and went 3-2 up with a well-worked goal. It was harsh on goalkeeper Kieran Cairns, who had been making top saves for fun for the whole match, and was widely considered to be man of the match afterwards. Joe Cass had showed a suspiciously injured leg to the rest of the team prior to kick-off as he attempts to play as much football as he possibly can in one day, and you wonder whether this was partly responsible for some of the slack marking which led to the goals. Conquest meanwhile struggled to get into the game- his unfocused eyes screamed 'job interview', as his mind was clearly elsewhere.
Williams was desperately trying to recover from his poor first half, but unfortunately things went from bad to worse with a huge miss to level the match late on. As we commented earlier, Williams is allegedly in the North with his girlfriend- though it is unclear whether they are actually still together. That will depend on whether she has yet received the footage of him smashing the easiest chance of the match into the goalkeeper's face. Hancock also had a good chance to level the game, but it just wasn't happening for the Onetouchables, and in fact it took some world-class stops from Cairns to stop the Orange Team grabbing a couple more late goals. The full-time whistle went, leaving the side demoralised as they trudged to the pub to watch an even worse spectacle- Spurs sealing qualification to the Champions League. Josh Goodey was again on hand to provide post-match analysis- but his reaction to the defeat with the word '...seriously?' will send a real shiver down The Onetouchables' collective spine.
That Adam Williams debut in quotes:-
'Hopefully a one-off.'- loyal manager Luke Sutton.
'Hilarious...hilariously bad.'- Ross Conquest
'Huh?'- Joe Cass
'No...he's not actually my brother.' Michael Williams
'Without doubt single-handedly cost us the match.'- a blunt Kieran Cairns
'Dece, really dece.'- Adam Williams
'His legs were literally wide open.' Orange Team member
'Anyone for clay shooting?'- Mike Hancock
The Onetouchables 2-3 Orange Team
A. Williams (assist M. Williams)
Warnett
Thursday 26 August 2010
The Stresses of Management - by Luke Sutton
As the dust settles on the teams disappointing 3-2 defeat at the hands of ‘orange team’, we take a look at a typical day at team headquarters and look back at what may have contributed to the downfall of this once great club.
In this modern era, a time where hard work and raw talent has taken a back seat to fancy kits, exotic mercenaries and media spin, it has become only too clear that the Onetouchables would be hard pushed to match the lofty heights of the early days, the glory days. The acrimonious departure of fan favourite Sam Compton not a week ago was not helped when sky sports news ‘understood’ that Joe Johnson and Ryan O’Connor, both notorious yids, were on route to white hart lane. Just moments later, with the club hours away from popping its competitive cherry, the pair announced that they were unavailable for selection.
Despite the best attempts of the club to land a marquee signing in time for the big kick off, the squad was looking thin on the ground. Mexican international and guerrilla revolutionary Will Johnson - “futbol’s secreto mejor mantenido” - continued to scoff at the clubs attempts to make him the first foreign player in the clubs history. The offer made to Johnson – a packet of hamlet minis and straw hat - would have made him one of the highest earners at the club but no agreement was to materialise. The collapse of the proposed move has ironically stabilised the future of one existing player at the club, Midfielder Ross Conquest who openly opposes a move for any foreign player, period. The noise emanating from the Conquest camp is that he is due for an ‘interview’ today. Where exactly no one is sure but sources close to Conquest have indicated that the player has yet to advocate any particular stance on the role of jeans in football.
Just hours before the big kick off, the club announced ‘Karrimoor’ as this season’s principal sponsors. The kit, beautifully modelled by goalkeeper Kieran Cairns (MOM) and top scorer George Warnett is said to combine ‘optimum durability with cutting edge technology to provide the ultimate tool to succeed’. During the public unveiling one onlooker suggested that the shirt looked as though it had been designed to suit the needs of the world’s most accomplished mountaineers and backpackers as opposed to a bunch of amateur ballers. This heckler was ejected immediately. In an attempt to increase revenue for the transfer market, fans who pick up a shirt today can take advantage of a special offer of half price on all tents in store.
With the ambitions of the club in the transfer market still in question, an opportunity arose to open talks with local lad Mike Hancock. Hancock, a player controversially linked with the club in the media earlier this week, arrived with super agent Tom Biggins. Pen was put to paper on a pay per play contract. Biggins bought a 51% majority stake in the club. The club are currently under investigation from the FA.
Moments later the club received a desperate and frankly pathetic ‘come and get me’ plea from journeyman player and serial larrikin Adam Williams. After a bright start, his loan move to Spain turned sour prompting accusations of ‘going Hollywood.’ Too afraid to leave his villa, Williams had not seen sunlight in days and it was clear he’d been boozing, daily. Fans were sceptical at first – what impact would the self-proclaimed ‘chopper of the year 09’ have on team spirit? Discussions moved quickly and it soon became clear that fellow exile MIG Williams would form part of any deal. As club officials mulled over the proposal, an anonymous tipster warned against bringing in the much maligned pair. “His heart isn’t in it anymore. You ought to see him, the WAG has him jumping through hoops! He’ll bring unwanted baggage” The manager recoiled. “The other is an extortionist”, the voice continued. “He’ll take you for everything you’ve got. DO NOT PAY HIM IN EUROS!” Cautiously the club went ahead with negotiations and despite a last minute hiccup with the necessary paperwork (A. Williams reportedly refused to provide legitimate details while the authenticity of ‘randyramirez99’ was brought into question), a deal was done.
Buoyed by the transfer an official announcement was made to the press. “There is no team in this league that can live with us” read the breathtakingly arrogant club statement. Lifelong fan Matthew O’Neil took to the street in celebration, vowing to renew his season ticket as a result of the deadline day coup. Team pinup Charlie Purdy was however clearly unmoved by the acquisitions. “Who’s that number 8?” asked Adam. “He’s just schmeg’d it, then top bin’d it.” With a sheer look of bemusement, Purdy called in the translator.
Damaging team morale further, footage has been leaked which appears to show the manager – in glorious high definition – unleashing a scaving rant on the team. In the short piece, free scoring George Warnett is labelled ‘a waste of time.’ Sutton later goes on to predict that Conquest will inevitably score an own goal in the upcoming fixture. With such controversy and in-fighting, it is little wonder that new signing MIG has told the media that the manager has lost the dressing room. The defender has even been heard singing a rousing solo rendition of ‘you don’t know what your doing’ by old yids at their local drinking hole.
As the players trudged off the pitch, everyone associated with the club was asking the same questions; Have defensive pairing Cass and Warnett ever met? Why didn’t Adam dink it? Sutton out? Who is Lampard and who is Gerrard? The vicious merry go round of finger pointing and name calling was only broken when, in the distance, a Stan Collymore type character said something we should all live our lives by; “That’s good futsal” said the wiseman. Thats good futsal, indeed.
In this modern era, a time where hard work and raw talent has taken a back seat to fancy kits, exotic mercenaries and media spin, it has become only too clear that the Onetouchables would be hard pushed to match the lofty heights of the early days, the glory days. The acrimonious departure of fan favourite Sam Compton not a week ago was not helped when sky sports news ‘understood’ that Joe Johnson and Ryan O’Connor, both notorious yids, were on route to white hart lane. Just moments later, with the club hours away from popping its competitive cherry, the pair announced that they were unavailable for selection.
Despite the best attempts of the club to land a marquee signing in time for the big kick off, the squad was looking thin on the ground. Mexican international and guerrilla revolutionary Will Johnson - “futbol’s secreto mejor mantenido” - continued to scoff at the clubs attempts to make him the first foreign player in the clubs history. The offer made to Johnson – a packet of hamlet minis and straw hat - would have made him one of the highest earners at the club but no agreement was to materialise. The collapse of the proposed move has ironically stabilised the future of one existing player at the club, Midfielder Ross Conquest who openly opposes a move for any foreign player, period. The noise emanating from the Conquest camp is that he is due for an ‘interview’ today. Where exactly no one is sure but sources close to Conquest have indicated that the player has yet to advocate any particular stance on the role of jeans in football.
Just hours before the big kick off, the club announced ‘Karrimoor’ as this season’s principal sponsors. The kit, beautifully modelled by goalkeeper Kieran Cairns (MOM) and top scorer George Warnett is said to combine ‘optimum durability with cutting edge technology to provide the ultimate tool to succeed’. During the public unveiling one onlooker suggested that the shirt looked as though it had been designed to suit the needs of the world’s most accomplished mountaineers and backpackers as opposed to a bunch of amateur ballers. This heckler was ejected immediately. In an attempt to increase revenue for the transfer market, fans who pick up a shirt today can take advantage of a special offer of half price on all tents in store.
With the ambitions of the club in the transfer market still in question, an opportunity arose to open talks with local lad Mike Hancock. Hancock, a player controversially linked with the club in the media earlier this week, arrived with super agent Tom Biggins. Pen was put to paper on a pay per play contract. Biggins bought a 51% majority stake in the club. The club are currently under investigation from the FA.
Moments later the club received a desperate and frankly pathetic ‘come and get me’ plea from journeyman player and serial larrikin Adam Williams. After a bright start, his loan move to Spain turned sour prompting accusations of ‘going Hollywood.’ Too afraid to leave his villa, Williams had not seen sunlight in days and it was clear he’d been boozing, daily. Fans were sceptical at first – what impact would the self-proclaimed ‘chopper of the year 09’ have on team spirit? Discussions moved quickly and it soon became clear that fellow exile MIG Williams would form part of any deal. As club officials mulled over the proposal, an anonymous tipster warned against bringing in the much maligned pair. “His heart isn’t in it anymore. You ought to see him, the WAG has him jumping through hoops! He’ll bring unwanted baggage” The manager recoiled. “The other is an extortionist”, the voice continued. “He’ll take you for everything you’ve got. DO NOT PAY HIM IN EUROS!” Cautiously the club went ahead with negotiations and despite a last minute hiccup with the necessary paperwork (A. Williams reportedly refused to provide legitimate details while the authenticity of ‘randyramirez99’ was brought into question), a deal was done.
Buoyed by the transfer an official announcement was made to the press. “There is no team in this league that can live with us” read the breathtakingly arrogant club statement. Lifelong fan Matthew O’Neil took to the street in celebration, vowing to renew his season ticket as a result of the deadline day coup. Team pinup Charlie Purdy was however clearly unmoved by the acquisitions. “Who’s that number 8?” asked Adam. “He’s just schmeg’d it, then top bin’d it.” With a sheer look of bemusement, Purdy called in the translator.
Damaging team morale further, footage has been leaked which appears to show the manager – in glorious high definition – unleashing a scaving rant on the team. In the short piece, free scoring George Warnett is labelled ‘a waste of time.’ Sutton later goes on to predict that Conquest will inevitably score an own goal in the upcoming fixture. With such controversy and in-fighting, it is little wonder that new signing MIG has told the media that the manager has lost the dressing room. The defender has even been heard singing a rousing solo rendition of ‘you don’t know what your doing’ by old yids at their local drinking hole.
As the players trudged off the pitch, everyone associated with the club was asking the same questions; Have defensive pairing Cass and Warnett ever met? Why didn’t Adam dink it? Sutton out? Who is Lampard and who is Gerrard? The vicious merry go round of finger pointing and name calling was only broken when, in the distance, a Stan Collymore type character said something we should all live our lives by; “That’s good futsal” said the wiseman. Thats good futsal, indeed.
Thursday 19 August 2010
Signiture "Moves" - a post by George Edward Warnett
Hello Gentleman, (just getting my yearly post in). I was bored for a few hours so after a good performance last Wednesday I’ve gone to the liberty of patenting some signature moves:
The Walnut Whirl: Do a nonsensical 360 spin when under pressure from the defence. Keep spinning until you score or throw up from motion sickness.
- Made famous by George Warnett
The “Get on the end of that”: When under no pressure you play an ambitious ball from one end of the pitch to the other, but instead of finding a team mate, kick the ball like you’re wearing a shoe made of 50ps resulting in the ball flying of for their goal kick.
- Made famous by Joe Cass
The “Doctor says… it’s Ricketts”: As soon as the whistle blows to start the match, go over on your ankle tearing a ligament here and there (Helps if Sam Compton’s close by).
- Made famous by Luke Sutton
The “Blow your Beans”: Make an inspired run to get behind the defence then when you’re one on one with the keeper try your hardest not to score and instead blow your beans all over the floor.
- Made famous by Ryan O’Connor
The “Phantom Sling”: For the entire duration of the game put one arm on your chest as if you’ve recent broken your arm doing some volunteer work or something… It doesn’t exactly help your balance but the ladies love it.
- Made famous by Charlie Prudy
The “I'm getting too old for this”: After a long and illustrious career of one game hang up your boots and call it a day on all this football business and go away to a nice retirement home in Leicester .
- Made famous by Sam Compton
The “To be or not to be?”: Get into space to shoot and instead of putting it top bin, shuffle around with the ball at your feet until the opportunity to score has gone.
- Made famous by Ross Conquest
The Angry Beaver: If things aren’t looking good during the match shout at every single person until till it does. Utilize the power of thunderous speech and make things go your way.
- Made famous by Kieran Cairns
The “F*ck the rule book”: Continue to shut players down when they’re picking the ball out their net, wonder round aimlessly in their half when they’re trying to take kick off, take a kick-in when it’s a corner, hell pick up the ball and throw it in the goal if you want to, you are above the law.
- Made Famous by Joey Johnson
The “Nah can’t play the next couple weeks; I’m in Spain
- Made famous by Adam and Miggly Williams.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Onetouchables 3 Red Team 1
An impressive start for The Onetouchables has sent shockwaves through the entire league, after a breathtaking display of football left the Red Team wondering what on earth had just happened to them.
This may have only been a friendly, but there were certainly a few nerves around pre-match, mainly regarding the issue of whether or not shin pads would be required. However, The Onetouchables settled into their stride much more quickly than anyone could have imagined. The warning signs were obvious from a very early stage, as Warnett and Johnson combined well to cause some real havoc in the opposition half. Their efforts paid off as the ever reliable Joe Johnson soon netted the first ever Onetouchables' goal, sparking celebrations on the touchline. A new era had begun, and everyone's favourite consistent midfielder had grabbed the goal.
Warnett was proving to be a real handful for the Red Team, and soon netted a trademark strike, smashing a shot in from outside the area. The dream start had reached Inception-esque levels, and at 2-0, The Onetouchables were looking comfortable to say the least. The Red Team were failing to mount any real attacks, and looked slightly rattled, though Cairns did well to turn one effort around the post just before half-time.
Some half-decent management was leading to a good spine of the team being formed whilst the squad was being rotated, as Compton, Johnson and Cass all put in very solid shifts at the back. Cairns meanwhile was organising his team superbly from goal, with some furious shouting leaving several players close to tears at many points. Cairns himself was dealing with most attacks with ease, and he'll feel that there will be tougher challenges to come.
The Reds grabbed a goal back with a well-worked move, leaving many to wonder whether the game was about to be turned on its head. However, in reality, the Onetouchables looked more up for it in their debut game, and quickly resumed their onslaught of the Reds' goal.
And indeed it was soon 3-1 as Conquest's scuffed shot fell kindly to Purdy, who slotted the ball in with his usual cool and relaxed demeanour. Purdy turned with a satisfied smile to the fans, knowing that he had just silenced hundreds- if not thousands- of critics who still doubt this young man's ability. He then promptly fell way off the pace and offered a minimal contribution, but the joy was plain for all to see.
A lack of sharpness seemed to be affecting several members of the squad, as O'Connor and Conquest both missed one-on-ones, but O'Connor almost made up for it; combining with Compton for easily the best move of the game, as their glorious one-two resulted in the right post being rattled. Compton was also involved in one of the more controversial moments of the game, as Purdy opted to shoot, rather then square it to his far better placed team-mate. Compton's quiet fury was plain for all to see. Conquest's one-on-one caused bemusement in the stands, as he seemed to have created the space for the shot, only to switch it to his other foot and be immediately surrounded by four defenders. Still, the potential seems to be there.
The rest of the game played out without much more incident, Cass and Johnson especially looked calm and collected on the ball, and Warnett and Compton were both still causing problems. In fact, the real talking point on the sidelines was questioning where O'Connor had got to, as he seemed to teleport away for the majority of the second half. The final whistle arrived soon enough, signalling a great result for this new side.
Sam Compton quickly retired from five a side football after the match, claiming to have opportunities abroad, but he leaves with one of the most impressive records in the game. Whether he can be persuaded out of this hiatus come Christmas remains to be seen.
Acting manager Luke Sutton was full of praise for his side after the games, claiming that they were one or two players away from being a truly great side. 'Yeah once Purdy and Conquest leave we should be fine,' he commented. Sutton was quiet on his own return, noting that his notorious ANKLE injury should only keep him out for 'a few weeks, or potentially years.' Joe Cass meanwhile is 50-50 for next week as the interest on the loan he has taken out has made the chances of him being able to pay the match fee next week 'unlikely at best'.
Overall a great start for this fledgling outfit, and hopefully the start of something truly beautiful. The mood was perhaps best summed up by the face of the spying Josh Goodey, whose face was as white as a sheet. Despite the outward smiles, it was obvious to all that Goodey had just realised that he'd seen a side that is only going to get better and better.
Onetouchables 3-1 Red Team
Johnson
Warnett
Purdy
This may have only been a friendly, but there were certainly a few nerves around pre-match, mainly regarding the issue of whether or not shin pads would be required. However, The Onetouchables settled into their stride much more quickly than anyone could have imagined. The warning signs were obvious from a very early stage, as Warnett and Johnson combined well to cause some real havoc in the opposition half. Their efforts paid off as the ever reliable Joe Johnson soon netted the first ever Onetouchables' goal, sparking celebrations on the touchline. A new era had begun, and everyone's favourite consistent midfielder had grabbed the goal.
Warnett was proving to be a real handful for the Red Team, and soon netted a trademark strike, smashing a shot in from outside the area. The dream start had reached Inception-esque levels, and at 2-0, The Onetouchables were looking comfortable to say the least. The Red Team were failing to mount any real attacks, and looked slightly rattled, though Cairns did well to turn one effort around the post just before half-time.
Some half-decent management was leading to a good spine of the team being formed whilst the squad was being rotated, as Compton, Johnson and Cass all put in very solid shifts at the back. Cairns meanwhile was organising his team superbly from goal, with some furious shouting leaving several players close to tears at many points. Cairns himself was dealing with most attacks with ease, and he'll feel that there will be tougher challenges to come.
The Reds grabbed a goal back with a well-worked move, leaving many to wonder whether the game was about to be turned on its head. However, in reality, the Onetouchables looked more up for it in their debut game, and quickly resumed their onslaught of the Reds' goal.
And indeed it was soon 3-1 as Conquest's scuffed shot fell kindly to Purdy, who slotted the ball in with his usual cool and relaxed demeanour. Purdy turned with a satisfied smile to the fans, knowing that he had just silenced hundreds- if not thousands- of critics who still doubt this young man's ability. He then promptly fell way off the pace and offered a minimal contribution, but the joy was plain for all to see.
A lack of sharpness seemed to be affecting several members of the squad, as O'Connor and Conquest both missed one-on-ones, but O'Connor almost made up for it; combining with Compton for easily the best move of the game, as their glorious one-two resulted in the right post being rattled. Compton was also involved in one of the more controversial moments of the game, as Purdy opted to shoot, rather then square it to his far better placed team-mate. Compton's quiet fury was plain for all to see. Conquest's one-on-one caused bemusement in the stands, as he seemed to have created the space for the shot, only to switch it to his other foot and be immediately surrounded by four defenders. Still, the potential seems to be there.
The rest of the game played out without much more incident, Cass and Johnson especially looked calm and collected on the ball, and Warnett and Compton were both still causing problems. In fact, the real talking point on the sidelines was questioning where O'Connor had got to, as he seemed to teleport away for the majority of the second half. The final whistle arrived soon enough, signalling a great result for this new side.
Sam Compton quickly retired from five a side football after the match, claiming to have opportunities abroad, but he leaves with one of the most impressive records in the game. Whether he can be persuaded out of this hiatus come Christmas remains to be seen.
Acting manager Luke Sutton was full of praise for his side after the games, claiming that they were one or two players away from being a truly great side. 'Yeah once Purdy and Conquest leave we should be fine,' he commented. Sutton was quiet on his own return, noting that his notorious ANKLE injury should only keep him out for 'a few weeks, or potentially years.' Joe Cass meanwhile is 50-50 for next week as the interest on the loan he has taken out has made the chances of him being able to pay the match fee next week 'unlikely at best'.
Overall a great start for this fledgling outfit, and hopefully the start of something truly beautiful. The mood was perhaps best summed up by the face of the spying Josh Goodey, whose face was as white as a sheet. Despite the outward smiles, it was obvious to all that Goodey had just realised that he'd seen a side that is only going to get better and better.
Onetouchables 3-1 Red Team
Johnson
Warnett
Purdy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)